I remember it like it was yesterday. I was around 5 and it was Christmas. My mother got my sister who was 8 at the time a new dress. She told her to put it on and at her request my sister did. Then when she came back my mother looked at her in disgust and told her, "she was too fat to wear that dress. " My sister was a young child, no child should ever have to hear those words, especially from their own mother: who is supposed to be loving, nurturing and supportive. At the time, I didn't understand that this "abuse" as I was only 5 and this was normal at our home, I thought all mother's acted this way.
I had no idea how much this impacted my life and my overall body image and self confidence, until I got older and was going through puberty and started gaining weight. I tied in my whole self worth with my weight. When my weight went up I started panicking as I knew my mother would not accept me that way. I had to be a "certain size, certain people its" according to her standards. If I wasn't she would start nit picking everything and was on my case. This propelled me into a severe eating disorder in high school. I remember telling myself that I had to be "under 100 pounds" to be lovable. However 100 pounds for me was not attainable unless I starved myself or binged and purged. This was the start of a 15 year battle with an eating disorder. Every time I would gain weight my mother would say belittling degrading backhanded comments like "you're getting fat" or "you have cellulite on your arms".
I had no idea that this eating disorder was a result of my childhood wounds tied in with my mother until my spiritual awakening. When I started loving myself the love for my abusers stopped. It took me a long time to realize I was being abused by both my mother and father. It wasn't until after my dark night of the soul when a I faced everything head on. It was then that I realized their behaviors towards me were controlling and manipulative. I now know that they are both narcissists.
Having a child does not give one ownership. Children are not possessions to fulfill our own desires. When a mother makes her child a forever servant to meet her own expectations of love and acceptance, she is not a good mother period. When a bad mother recites the words, “I love you, ” she is implying that, of course the child should love her in return. When a true mother says, “I love you”, the child feels truly being loved that moves the child to show the mother affection and love in return. Children know the difference because they have not yet shut down their emotional responses. They either feel loved, or feel they are having an expectation placed on them. With the bad mother, their obligated child begins to display affection in the hopes of receiving feelings of love even if it's just momentary.
Unfortunately, most of these love starved children will go on to procreate for the same reason their bad mother does. Very, very FEW children will be strong enough to go beyond their emaciated little spirits and be truly loving individuals despite the lack of love they received. These select few children will be able to go on and love themselves truly and others because they can. For the bad mother, this makes them wiser than you. This wisdom is what a true mother teaches, instills and awakens in her child. This wisdom makes the bad mother resent the child. It's because of her example, the child learned how not to be her.
I AM proud to say that I was able to find that love within myself despite not being shown any love from my parents. They tried to break me, but I am unbreakable and it only made me stronger and wiser in the process. Remember respect is earned, not given. Just because these people birthed us doesn't give them control and dictatorship over our lives. I aim to use what I've learned with my past experiences to be a beacon of light and love for others.
Love & Light,
Namaste ~ Paulina
Hello, my name is Paulina. I went through a spiritual awakening journey in 2018. I am in touch with my higher self and want to help you find yours. Until your higher self kicks in let me be your guide back home. Book 1:1 sessions with me: fromanotherealm@gmail.com
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