This blog post is very dear to my heart and personal to me and took a lot of courage for me to share with you. I've never had a close relationship with my Dad. He was very absent as a father figure in my life. He chose to spend his free time watching TV rather than taking care of me. He never showed me any love, compassion, security as a young child and this left a huge imprint on my heart. Growing up I used to numb the pain of the hurt he had caused me with a "I don't care" attitude but deep down inside I was hurt beyond measure. At the time, I didn't understand why he acted emotionally and mentally abusive towards me but now it all makes sense.
When we are abused as children we don't stop loving our abusers, we stop loving ourselves. It wasn't until I started loving myself that my love for my abusers stopped. It took me a long time to realize I was being abused by both my Mom and Dad. It wasn't until after my spiritual awakening I realized their behaviors towards me were controlling and manipulative. I now know that they were both narcissists that only cared about themselves.
I have always been scared of my dad but this May 2019, I gathered the strength and courage to take my power back from him. I want to share with you my farewell letter I wrote to him. I hope this letter will inspire you to do the same towards abusive / narcissist people in your life.
Dear Roman,
This is my first and last letter to you. I wanted to express in detail how you have hurt me. Growing up you were never there for me: emotionally, physically or mentally. It made me feel unworthy of love and like it was something I did to make you not love me. I always felt like there was something wrong with me and that I was unlovable. This lead to a severe depression growing up. Like Noah, I wanted to die and end this lifetime. I remember being around his age and wanting this life to just end just like he's told me twice.
The atmosphere at home was so tense you could cut it with a knife. You and Mom were always arguing and not talking to each other or us and took out your frustrations on us (me & Aggie). We didn't deserve that. We didn't do anything to you. I'm sorry you got into a loveless marriage but it was your choice to stay for 20+ years. I didn't have any input in your choices, only you and Mom had control over that. Because you didn't support Mom: mentally, emotionally, physically, financially she didn't have anything left inside herself to give to me. This toxic relationship took all of yours & Moms energy and strength that you both had nothing to give us at the end of the day.
As a young child I had to support, lift up and protect my Mom against you. Some of my first memories of my childhood were standing up & protecting my Mom against you. You know how scary that was for a young child to stand against my own Dad? You were supposed to be my protector and support but you were none of those things. You were mentally and emotionally abusive to her and me. You treated her like a second class citizen and acted like you were king of the castle. That behavior is not OK with me and this is why I called you "scum" yesterday. They all agree with you because they are scared of you but I am not.
Having you around as my "father influence" impacted my life in a variety of ways. For one I ended up dating a guy just like you. He was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive to me. I grew up thinking this was OK since all I knew was your toxic relationship with Mom. I didn't even realize that I recreated that exact relationship until I got out of it. Our earliest relationships with our parents, not only influence how we are able to connect to others as adults but also create internalized scripts or working models of how relationships work. My relationship with Kyle was just as toxic as your relationship with Mom. He beat me up so many times and almost choked me to death. I'm sure you didn't know that because you never took the time or effort to get to know me as a child or woman.
I understand that you didn't get love from your parents growing up either. I've learned you can't give what you don't have inside of you. If you don't love yourself you can't love others. Even if you try it's not coming from an authentic place.
Yesterday felt very inauthentic to me and I felt attacked by you. I do not believe you are worried or even care about my health. You were laughing and smirking at me the whole time and you wonder why I get so angry with you? I wanted to let you know my mental health is fine. Since you don't know this: I went through a Spiritual Awakening last year which is an altered state of perception. It is a knowing beyond knowledge. Reality has changed for the person who experiences an Awakening. In short, a spiritual Awakening is allowing yourself to be open and inviting the living Spirit of God and the love of God to enter your heart.
So yes, the old Paulina is dead and gone and not coming back. No medicine, doctor or therapist will bring that Paulina back. I'm sorry you can't accept me the way that I am now but that's your problem not mine. I love myself, that's all that matters to me. I pray that you get to experience a Spiritual awakening in this lifetime because your life will be forever changed for the better just like mine. When you told me about your dream of Heaven I never mocked you or made you feel uncomfortable. I was open to hearing all about it because I believe with all of my heart & soul in God.
Deflecting and turning the attention to me is not going to make my sister's situation any better. You can turn a blind eye to her but I know better. When you know better you do better. This situation will get out of hand as soon as the boys are old enough to find their "voice" they will make her life a living hell. She will have her hands full with a sick husband and two needy kids that don't get enough attention from their Mom or Dad ( Yes, history is repeating itself!) I hope that this letter inspires you to be a better father figure for my sister and her boys as they need you.
However, I now love and respect myself enough to walk away from people & situations that no longer serves a purpose in my life. I genuinely thank you for all the lessons learned. If I hadn't been through all that darkness.... I would have never found my light! Because of you I am the strong, independent Woman I am today!!
Namaste ~ Paulina
His response? He never took any responsibilities for his actions, told me I was a liar, never even said a simple "I'm sorry" and basically tried to turn everything around on me. This is typical narcissistic behavior. It's easier for them to blame it than claim it. Narcissist can't handle even the slightest criticism. They believe that different rules apply to them as they have no compassion, sympathy or empathy for others.
After reading his response I wish I had the courage to write him that letter and cut him off years ago. I can't turn back the time, all I can do is move forward without him in my life. After writing that letter a huge burden was released from me and I finally felt free. The truth sure does set you free! Once you face your fears head on, they have no power over you have power over them. Fear is just an illusion, the only thing that is real is love. I highly recommend you face your fears and watch yourself flourish into unknown territory.
Love & Light,
Namaste ~ Paulina
Hello, my name is Paulina. I went through a spiritual awakening journey in 2018. I am in touch with my higher self and want to help you find yours. Until your higher self kicks in let me be your guide back home. Book 1:1 sessions with me: fromanotherealm@gmail.com
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